Good Afternoon Supporters!
Ndikubulisa Jesus Christ
I greet you in the name of Jesus Christ!
Ndiyakuthanda
I love you all!
Enkosi
Thank you!
Thank you for your support from day one. Thank you for your letters, your cards, your prayers, and your love. When we were told that we would have these blogs and that we were required to blog once a week while in Africa, I was ok with that. But, I never imagined that so many people would actually take the time, not only to read my blogs, but to also comment on them. It’s one (important) thing to read a blog and then go about your day, but so many of you went beyond that. You took the time to encourage me, and for that, I am so grateful. When I was in Africa I looked forward to checking my e-mail after posting a blog, because I knew you would have something waiting there for me. I’m not going to lie, it was a lot of working keeping up with your responses, but I loved every minute of it. It’s been a lot easier here in the states, since I’ve had so much time on my hands. And yet, I’ve blogged less I think. Part of that is out of how sick I’ve been throughout all these weeks, and the other part is probably sheer laziness.
Speaking of time in the states, that leads me to my next point. Some of you have probably been expecting this for a while, and then some of you could have been in denial as I was. I’ve been praying since I waited to get results back from that very first test, that God would get me back to Africa a.s.a.p. After a few weeks and more tests, the prayers also included requests for a speedy recovery. A few more weeks later and then a more after that and, my prayers became a petition for God’s will to be revealed. As more time went on, it seemed that me getting back was less and less likely. I was hit with the question almost every single day and am still asked now, “When are you going back to Africa?” Some asked out of concern for my health, some asked out of curiousity, and some asked out of doubt that I was supposed to still be in the states after this long. As I continued to pray for clearity and guidance, my responses went from that of “I don’t know, hopefully soon.” to “Not any time soon, it would be ideal if I was well enough to get back by April and finish out the last month in a half.”
The changes in my responses weren’t the only change I saw. Somewhere a long the line there was also a change in my attitude regarding this whole circumstance. At first, I was annoyed with the tests and doctors’ visits. Then, I became bitter. Bitter about being sick and bitter about being stuck here. I was supposed to be there. I think I might have even became a little bitter with God, out of all the uncertainty I was feeling. And then one day hit me, and boy did it feel like a slap in the face! It wasn’t Satan’s doing that had me here. It was God’s. It’s awful that I got the two confused but I did. I had put myself in the equation of why I was here. I thought the only possibility was that it was an attack from Satan, as my body definitely felt attacked. But that one day God was like, “Ok, seriously? That’s not it at all.” Then He began to show me all the things He was doing here, in me and through me. The most important things were the ones He was doing in me. One of which was, more trust, learning more trust in Him and His ways. I was so convinced that only Satan could keep me from Africa but that God was still in control and would take over when He was ready. But the truth was, God was in control the whole time and He was the one keeping me from Africa. I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew, I was still supposed to be in Africa. It didn’t make sense to me how it could be any other way. How God could do that, after all I’d gone through to get there, after all the waiting.
And there it was, I kept making this about me. It wasn’t about all I’d done, or all I’d gone through. It was about Him. It was about what God had done and what He had gotten me through to get me to Africa. But more than that, it was still part of a bigger plan. I don’t know what the rest of that plan looks like but I do know this: God knew He would put Africa on my heart when I was twelve. He knew I would pray for 9 years to get there, He knew that on September 15th, 2008 I would arrive in Africa, and He knew that on December 20th, 2008 I would fly home for Christmas break. But there was more, much more. All of which, I don’t yet know and can’t see. However, on Friday, February 20th, 2009 after being in the states for 9 weeks and counting, God gave me that clearity I’d prayed for.
He laid it out, plain and simple, and I’m not going to lie..it hit hard. He blew open the doors of denial and showed me that the close future does not have me returning to Africa, not for this trip. A million things rushed through my mind as the deep sense of sadness and yet confidence in God flooded over me. I won’t see my teammates again while in Africa, I won’t see my children at Ithemba again, I won’t see Jbay again, and I won’t see all the beautiful people there. But even in those thoughts, I’m limiting God. God can place me back in Africa at any given point in the future. Not going back now because of my health, is not an end-all for the possibility of return.
I don’t believe that God is done fulling my dream and His plans for me in Africa. He is putting them on hold though. Well, really He’s just putting mine on hold, because His plans for me are never on hold. God doesn’t take breaks from provision, sovreignty, love, and supreme control for my life. I do have to keep telling myself that though. I get in my way sometimes. I want so badly to be back in Africa right now and most definitely not to be sick. But I know with all my heart, God has bigger plans than I can see and better things than I can imagine.
“It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day..” Ring the lyrics of one of my new favorite songs. That’s how I’m going to see this all. It’s a new dawn, a new day, and I’m excited to see what God will do with this day. Going to Africa was a huge turning point in my life and I returned changed for the better. Now, my life is turning again, the difference is this time I can’t see the destination. So, it requires me to trust Him more, something I can never learn enough times.
I sit here, ending this blog, thinking of how I can best wrap it up. I praise God for all of you. I feel like it’s in no way possible for me to thank you enough or even convey how much you all mean to me. I plan to continue blogging about all He is doing in my life. This blogsite has to be shut down on June 20th. When that happens, I plan to get another site. I’ve seen more from this time in my life, how important it is to share the love and blessings of God our Father. If I can do that with words, I will. For the rest of my life I will write for the Lord! (That’s actually something that literally just struck me, how much God may just want to use my writing for more than I ever imagined.) This blog has become longer than I thought it would be. But, there was no way to simply say, “I’m not going back to South Africa.” Because, this isn’t simple at all. It’s complex and intricate and put together by the Father’s hands.
So here I stand, stateside, a missionary still..on a different field for the time being.
Thank you, a thousand times, thank you
In Christ, as all things should end in,
Beth
**Also wanted to say, my family and I still plan to send over all the supplies you have all collected. I will be checking into that soon.
