That may seem an odd statement to some of you but right now, shy of dancing around the room and singing at the top of my lungs, it's the best representation of how joyous I am right now. It's now almost 6 am, I still have yet to go to bed, as my mind races with all that God is putting in front of me. Please forgive the possibly sporadic nature of my tired and overflowing thoughts.

 

Have you ever had a moment where you look at God and say, "Wow, I get it! I finally get it!" ? One of many things I got out of my first three and a half months being an FYM in Africa was about control, and what it means to really let go. Some of you may remember me writing a blog about my personal life's struggle for control and how God completely broke me down, wrecked me, threw me in the fire, smashed me up, and then glued me back together again but in a shape I'd never seen before. I mentioned "fruit" in the blog right before this one and how that can look like nothing we ever thought. I'm seeing fruit in my own life right now, work that only God could do within me. If it were up to me, I'd fall right back into trying to have my hand at being in control of my life. ("My life" ha, as if I even really own it!) By God's grace though, I'm beginning to learn what it's supposed to look like to let Him have the reigns, really have the reigns. I was reminded tonight, or rather this morning (in the first few hours) of the joy, the breathtaking joy I can find from seeking what He wants and not what I want.

I'll admit, at times I saw that as somewhat defeatist. As the futility you finally arrive at when all other strengths are exhausted. But I'm seeing it all the time now as more than that. I'm learning to see it as beautiful that He takes great care not to show me the path in front. That He has planned this intricate and detailed life in my best interest and for His glory, what a love!! It's out of that love that He doesn't show me more than one step at a time. One of the greatest things I've received out of being painfully wrecked in South Africa is the change He's beginning in me now. My life is a wonderful journey, adventurous, and planned out with me in mind because He loves me THAT much. What could be better? So it's not in futility that I sit back. It's in blessing from the Father that I can relax in His arms. He is a hammock I take refuge in on a cool spring day, swaying gently to the beautiful rhythm of my life in Him..my life for Him. I can close my eyes as I lean back against His chest, breathing in and out in synch with Him. I can trust fully that I could be blind for the rest of my life and still know He was in control with sights unseen.  

 

It is this trust I'm learning now to place in Him, and it is out of the love He has for me. And what do love and trust breed if not joy? I don't know that I can fully describe the joy I feel right now, knowing He loves me, He's in control, and that I can trust, truly and finally trust Him with all. Will I mess up and forget to trust Him somewhere down the line? Yeah, I will. But I'll look back, I'll remember this moment, this joy that causes me to want to dance around. This joy that has taken over me tonight, not only spiritually and emotionally but also physically..that has pushed me past the level of exhaustion and physical pain to a place of bliss and peace. Oh how I pray that each and every one of you have known a joy like this! How I pray that for us all! That we would pursue His desires, trust Him with our's, love Him with everything, and find joy not only in the God we serve, but in serving the God we serve!