A Little More Me

Most of the blogs I’ve written haven’t contained much detail about the things I’ve experienced within, since this trip began. There have been a myriad of things and moments that I’ve only eluded to in previous blogs. What I knew before the trip, was that it wasn’t just about coming and doing some mission-work in a foreign country. While this trip was mainly meant to spread the word of Christ, its purpose was also to raise up men and women of Christ. That is the reason why every week, we have three different kinds of discipleship:

Monday-Big group discipleship (meaning every teammate is present)
Tuesday-Small group discipleship (meaning the team is broken up)
Wednesday-Big group discipleship
Thursday-Small group discipleship
Friday-Big group discipleship

Certain experiences so far have been rather common amongst my teammates, such as the struggle with being homesick. Having never been away from family and friends for more than a week at a time, I didn’t grasp just how much it would hit me once I left Knoxville. One thing that has made this struggle more difficult personally, is that I find it extremely difficult to live in both worlds. I feel as if I’m straddling continents. Between keeping up with emails from home (though don’t get me wrong-I’d be sad without them), wanting to be there for friends and family back home, and trying to live in this world 24/7….I’ve dealt with feeling quite torn . It has however, gotten much easier and manageable as time has passed. (In the beginning though, it was a huge source of stress.) When I figure out how to perfectly live in two worlds while being completely focused on where I am 24/7, I’ll let you know. Until then, such is the life of a missionary! :-p

Our discipleship times though, hone in on matters of discussion much deeper than being homesick. Even during training camp, we had nights of messages on getting rid of the stuff that weighs us down. I believe each and every person on this trip, and the other trips from training camp, has dealt with some big stuff. The goal was not to drudge up wounds from the past, but to point out that sometimes there are things from the past or present that hold us back from a closer relationship to God. In order to be completely and totally ready to be used by God, you really have to examine every aspect of your life. Like the sessions from training camp, our weekly discipleship times are times of examining our relationships with God.

I can’t possibly relate everything God has pointed out and taught me in the nearly two months passed. What I can share with you though, is my struggles from this last week. Our Identities in Christ was the topic, looking at what that means, and breaking the chains of things that have bound us to false identities. Wednwasy we were in big group and were given the task of staring at a mirror. It sounds odd, I know. We were each given small mirrors that had our names on them. The object was to stare into the mirrors, first to get past the physical flaws we saw in ourselves (as we all too often base our identity on such things), then to realize the lies we’d believed about ourselves, and also to proclaim the truths about ourselves. (All of this was kind of at once and not in any order) Later throughout it, we were told to take our names of the mirror, symbolizing the names the world had given us, and found a verse hidden beneath it…

I never stare at myself in the mirror for longer than it takes me to put my makeup on. So, I first tried to get past all the physical flaws I saw in myself. That was difficult enough and then came more difficulty. I tried to think of the words that I would use to identify myself. I thought of all the “right answers” : daughter, friend, missionary..etc. But then God started pointing out that deep down, I don’t always see myself in the light of those things. I believe them sure, but they aren’t the subconscious things by which I identify myself. So then God started opening me up to the lies I believe about myself. There were some I didn’t even realize I’d been believing. Some of them I’d just grown up believing, and couldn’t see as lies. These lies, I realized had been at the core of my self-image growing up, and had remained until now. Not only was that true, but I was about to see just how much these lies had affected my life and relationships, most importantly my relationship with God.

The first one God started out with was my fight for control and when He did, I completely and utterly lost it. I haven’t cried like that in well, I don’t know how long. (Though God had already been softening my emotions and allowed me to all-out cry during one day at training camp, it was nothing like this..) When I removed my name from the mirror and found the verse “You are strong and rooted in Christ.” I lost it even more.
Basically what God told me was this, “You feel like you always have to be in control. You tell me I can have things, and sometimes you give all of something to Me. But then there are the times where you take something back, or hold tightly a portion of it in your hand. You don’t get to be in control. When you run things, you know what happens. So, stop trying to control all these big things. Stop it. I know what I’m doing. You don’t have to. Let Me be Me. You take the back seat. Enjoy the ride. Look at it as an adventure, a surprise for what’s around the bend. I have a reason. There is a point. I see you. I see your worry. I still love you and I’m still going to do what’s best for you. You don’t need to know what that is, because I do. I knew everything about your life before I even made the world.”
So yeah, that’s a portion of the breaking God has done in me this  last week. (And believe me, for all my mates and I, this trip will continue to be a trip of breaking and not just serving) Needless to say, it was extremely difficult to go to ministry that day..after crying my face off and feeling emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained and unprocessed but..we press on!
My new view: This is a journey. My present, my future, is a journey. God shows me one step at a time because He knows what I’d do if the whole path were lit. He sees the steps ahead. He knows where the cracks in the path are. He’s waiting and wanting to walk this path with me. When I try to take the reigns, I stumble and step off the path. I worry and am stressed beyond belief. I am not meant to handle this life He’s given me. I am meant to surrender ALL; not just a portion. I am going to start looking at this, my life, especially what’s to come..the unknown, as a surprise, a beautiful surprise He made just for me. The possibilities are endless! I’m going to chose to see it as exciting and endearing that He would take care not to let me know what’s coming next in things I can’t control.
I can tell a stranger all the haunted stories of my past, but it is very rare for me to share the inner struggles of my heart with many. (This is the reason for the title of the blog.) Knowing the list of people reading this is increasing, to say that many will read this should scare me. It doesn’t and I can only accredit that to God. I really feel like He was pressing on my heart to share with you all everything He is doing…everything you deserve to be a part of.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blogs (I know they’re rarely short) and for the prayers.
~God is moving, watch for what He’s doing!~